Scared Little Boy
by previouslysane
Summary: Dave Karofsky is confused. This is the thought process of a very closeted man, before and after the kiss.
1. Before

Kurt Hummel.

Ha. What a fag.

I mean, seriously. Look at him. He's always dressing super fruity. I wish he would just stop being so damn… girly and be like a guy should be. I don't want to look at that all day.

I mean, he might as well _be _a girl with the way he dresses all stylish, and how good he always smells. I took one of his scarves when I threw him a dumpster at the end of last year, and it's hanging on my bedpost. I mean, not because I like it or anything. Don't get me wrong, it's fruity as fuck. I actually meant to sell it because it seems like it's expensive or something, but I never got around to doing it. It just kinda is there, and it acts like an air freshener. It just smells… really good.

Not- not that I think that he smells good or anything- but… but he smells really good. He must be wearing a perfume. It doesn't really smell like a perfume, though… sort of like, just skin. What a girl. I mean, He is like a girl. He really _is _like a girl. It's not weird or anything to think about him like that-

No. Like nothing. _Nothing. _He's a queer. He's a fucking _fag _and he needs to be reminded of that. Lots of people have weird dreams. It's not weird at all to have a couple dreams. I just… I need to shake myself out of it. I need to _snap out of it._

Okay, maybe his body looks so delicate that if I picked him up he'd shatter into a million pieces. And so what if he has the flexibility of a contortionist- all of those things are hot on girls also! I mean- girls are fucking hot. I love girls. I wish Kurt was a girl.

Which he pretty much is. Maybe that's why I had a dream. And maybe that's why I can't shake these feelings. Because he _is _a girl_._ Okay, he wasn't- like- _physically _a girl in my dream… he was soft and he whispered and he was so delicate and he smelled so good-

Stop it Dave, stop it. You don't have to go there. You are straight. You toss fags into the dumpster, you're not going to _become _one! I mean… it's not like you're like this for _every _guy it's just that girl, Hummel.

But God, do I want to _feel _him; I want him to run his hands up and down my body and I want him to wrap around himself as I trace his every detail under my tongue-

FUCKING STOP IT! _STOP IT! _You're not like this! You aren't! You aren't! You're… you're not! You- You can't be…

I mean, if I heard myself, I would definitely be beating myself up. Oh shit, what would Azimio do? He would kick my ass and call me names and I would be even worse off than Kurt. But that's okay, because I'm _not- _that… that g-word. I'm not even _close _to it. Look at me! Look how manly I am! I'm not even a little bit faggy, I'm so- I'm the- I…

I'm…

I…

Shit man, I can't be… I just… I can't be…

* * *

**I was never homophobic but this was pretty much the struggle I went through also when I wanted to come out. You don't **_**think **_**the word gay. You shut out everything that reminds you of your confusion. You find places to blame your emotions. You think it's the TV shows, or that it's something that everyone goes through for a while. You scold yourself at every same-sex person you look at and it's incredibly frustrating. I think Dave is probably confused and repressing it to it's breaking point. It's what he's been against, and it's not easy to admit to your mistakes. **


	2. After

I couldn't help it. I didn't know what I was doing. Something other than myself made me do it. I didn't… I didn't mean to… I think I hurt him.

What was I supposed to do! He was flailing, all crazy and hot, I couldn't think of anything else to do. He smelled incredible. He smelled just like his scarf, but twenty times that. I think I tried to go in again partly because of his smell. But he didn't- I thought… I thought that he actually liked it. I don't know what made me do it. I want to feel him in between my arms, completely encased. I just want to hold him close and smell him and just feel him, but he… he is so…

I'm too fucking impulsive, I probably screwed up every chance I ever had to actually get that to be a possibility.

What the hell am I thinking? Azimio would kick my ass- there _is _no possibility and I'm not… I'm not like that or anything anyway. It's just Hummel. It's only Hummel. He's a girl. A feminine fruity fuck and I just screwed around with him like I would with any girl.

But, he didn't act really girly in the… in the locker room, you know? He was so aggressive and so close to me. His voice was so demanding and forceful, and I just- It got to me. I wanted that so badly.

I thought that he… I thought that he would be all over it. I thought I was the only person… you know… at the school, so he would try and get as much as he could. He pushed me away and I couldn't stand the look on his face. Like he was disgusted. Like _I _was the loser. He used to fear me, he used to flinch whenever he sees me. Now he's not afraid in the least. I mean seriously. What the hell. I can't have _that_ be what Azimio sees when he gets back, he'll be all suspicious.

And when he threw me off of his boyfriend or whatever that little queer was, I felt bad. I upset him. I didn't want to upset him, I want to take care of him.

No. No I _don't _want to take care of him. I _don't. _I want him to pay for what he did to me! It's all his fault that I'm thinking about this stuff! He totally turned me! I can turn myself back! He needs to know that I'm still the boss and he can't throw me around! I will punch him! I will slushie him, I'll pretend like nothing ever happened because nothing _did _happen!

And that guy. That curly-haired fuck that Kurt brought around. What the hell was he doing, talking to me in public about that kind of stuff? I'm not even _like _that, and he comes around saying that I'm not alone or anything. I _am_ alone. Kurt hates me, I barely know this fag, and my parents would… they'd disown me…. But that's fine, because I'm- I'm _not_…

I'll admit that I like… that Kurt is like a special case. I mean, he's basically a girl, so it's not really different. Not really. No, it's not different at all from finding a girl hot. Nope.

Goddammit, I am going to shove him every time I see him. I can't- I'm _not _getting close to him. I'll push him, I'll get him _away _from me so I can clear my head.

Kurt Hummel.

What a fag.

* * *

**So this was just my immediately after the episode take on everything, I have an actual story in the works, so… this is probably just the thought process behind it. At least we don't have to wait two whole weeks again! Though by that time, I'll probably have gotten myself nice and obsessed with Harry Potter for the release of DH part one. **

**But yea. What errr. **

**Expect more Karofsky angst fics. I'm having fun with this one. **


End file.
